If you've ever wanted to see the musical CATS, don't! I kinda did..and only because everyone else had told me it was awful. And you know... as soon as somebody tells me something is BAD, that's when I REALLY want to see it! So I convinced Bryan that we MUST see CATS! The very idea that every nite a few blocks away from us, there were people running around, dressed up as alleycats and singing was too hilarious and irresistable to pass up. So I went to the TKTS center only to find that the discount tickets cost $40 each. What a ripoff! And like any sane person, I said "Oh forget it! I'll get the video!" Well if you ever want to announce your gayness to the world, try renting CATS at Blockbuster!

So we popped the video in and it starts right away with zaniness! Bryan and I were rolling on the floor for 2 minutes nonstop as the cats ran out and struck curious poses, and we thought.. this is what it looks like.. when cats sing. And surprisingly, it looked a lot like the amazing acts from Showgirls, or even the talent show episode of the Brady Bunch. Then we got up and had to hit fastforward.

Apparently the main story of CATS is that once a year all these alleycats meet up with their fat old leader cat named "Old Deuteronomy" who then chooses one of them to die! Uh...yes my dark lord SATAN. The first number was a toetapping showstopper called "Jellicle Cats" which is STILL in my head several days after viewing the video. Towards the end of their freakish air-pawing number, the cats begin chanting in unison and get more and more annoying, until somebody finally throws a gigantic shoe onstage!

The individual cats themselves are a hoot. Each one has its own skank personality. In fact, they are so awful that Bryan quickly announced "I'm gonna be a CAT for Halloween! " Which cat would he be? The fat master cat whose outfit is a faux fur moo-moo? Or how bout the infamous RumTumTugger, who was pointed out to me as "the Michael Jackson of cats", or the slutty white cat who performs faux fellatio on RumTum? There are a zillion!

One outstanding member of the CATS cast is Asparagus. I did not make that name up. And what's worse is that he is an old glassy-eyed cat with a Parkinsons-like tremor. And his fur! Apparently they don't make Depends for adult cats. There's also Magical Mister Mistoffelees, yet another tribute to Satan. This cat is the one I would be for Halloween cuz he wears a tuxedo! What's more is that his tuxedo is rigged with Xmas lights which turn on to reveal his classy outfit in full glory! Even better is that he can shoot lightning out of his paws. Later, he does a magic trick onstage, after this dramatic scene where the fat leader cat is kidnapped, and the satanic tuxedo cat gets to make him reappear just in time to sentence one of the cats to death!

And the cat that gets chosen is the best one! Her name is Grizabella, and if you ever saw the made-for-tv movie "Stone Pillow" in which Lucille Ball played a homeless woman, you have a pretty good idea what she looks like. She's all scurrying around with a club foot and the filthiest of Salvation Army fur coats. She's the one that sings the themesong "Memories", and all the cats are grossed out by her! In fact, part of her song is a plea for someone to touch her. And of course the white slut lady cat complies. Pretty soon she becomes real popular and everyone wants to be her friend, just in time for her to die.

How, you may ask, does a cat die onstage? Well, by taking a spaceship of course! So this grotesque Grizabella character gets onto the spaceship, flies over the stage and then the ceiling opens and she walks up into heaven for the grand finale. Just before she exits view, she pauses and flashes a haunting facial expression which can mean only one thing - "I must go now. My planet needs me."


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