If you answered yes to anyone of these questions you probably have what it takes to lead the glamourous, high fashion, perpatratin' lifestyle that dreams are made of! Yes, you too could become a Phantasy Lady! Dream lady! I'm talking full-on subconcious Freudian P-h-antasy dreams! By following these simple steps outlined by me, a professional at this sort of thing, you can lead a life where fancy clothes , sex in exotic locations, and sword fighting are as easy as un, deux, trois!...engarde!! Yes, finally you've found a lifestyle where you can fit in, relax and be yourself! So tighten that corset, throw on a wig, polish those mirrored sunglasses, and dig up your highest spiked heels because phallic woman, here you come!
Sorry short-stop, I said 5' 8" and over only; for those of you under the minimum height requirement, I suggest you dabble in witchery. Its basically the same program except it's non-exclusive. The pagan church turns away no one, but to be a phantasy lady you have to look like you just stepped off the Nazi automaton production line--and we all know what an all-inclusive group of sorts that is! If you're 5' 7", or shorter, I just don't think we're right for you.
See, wasn't that fun? Weeding out undesirables is only one of the milliions of pleasures that await you and your villianous Amazon lifestyle! So get out your pinstripe powersuit cause were gettin' down to business--its time to learn the Seven Steps to Stardom!
Step One:[click for mov] Become a foreigner, or at least learn to look that way. If you can't dash into an Apache attack 'copter and whirl yourself into the setting sun, that's ok--you'll soon be able to. But in the meantime simply don oversized sunglasses, a scarf, and fake your own mysterious accent! Well, actually you dont even need to speak at all; in fact, speak as little as possible. Watch A View to a Kill. Grace Jones delivers all of about two lines throughout the entire film and steals the show! Let your pouty lips, scowls, and shoulder pads do the talking for you. This brings us to our next step:
Step Two:[click for mov] The Look! It couldnt be easier. First, you have one of two fashion forward hair styles to choose from: the "Anvil" or the "Tempest"! All true phantasy women prescribe to one of either of these hair-o-shimas. Can't decide? If you're an icy Brigitte Neilsen type, I of course suggest the Anvil, but if you see yourself as more of a Kelly LeBrock then I see a Tempest brewing in your future! As for the visage, there are no exceptions! The make-up is to be applied as though it were painted on by an lonely German puppet master--wunderbar! Now, just start wearing lots of couture! No dough? Consider it a blessing. When life hands you lemons, squirt them in peoples' eyes--haughty designer boutique salespeople that is! Then, make off with the goods for free! Drag queens have been doing this for decades! Honest--I saw it on Hard Copy! But, while I do respect the idea of putting more value on your fashion than your freedom, this procedure involves running and a lady never lets them see her sweat. So instead I recommend buddying up with a McQueen or a Miyake or a Mugler. Actually just about any gay guy will be more than ecstatic to help an up-and-coming phallic woman rise to the top. In fact it's almost mandatory. In fact, I'm gonna make it the next step!
Step Three: Use a gay man! Lie to, stomp on, and kill as many gay men as you can to make it to the top. Look at Andrew Cunanan! Or better yet, Madonna! Both are total dogs who have made it into the headlines by simply using Step Three alone! Proof that involving yourself with creative gay men brings you uncalculable fame!
Step Four: Go to fabulous parties! Take your new accent, couture, and bachelor friend out and cause a big scene! I leave this process to your discretion but UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU LEAVE THIS STEP UP TO YOUR BACHELOR FRIEND! I'm sure he will be more then eager to pick up the gauntlet on this one but DO NOT LET HIM. It's messy.
Step Five:[click for mov] Wow the locals! While still in couture (and by this point, you should never be out of couture) go visit the townsfolk. These simple people WILL ACTUALLY HATE YOU FOR BEING BEAUTIFUL! You of course love this, but don't let them see through your sugar walls. Play with them as though they are your toys. Scare them into loving you! This can be done any number of ways. Challenge the local loud-mouth to a test of strength or swordplay. Then castrate either him, or just his ego, in front of his laughing peers. Or simply hypnotize them all by blowing them a hot breathy kiss, then give 'em the cold shoulder! Both are fun but the former is more practical. I've been know to do the kissy Lebrock" myself and let me tell you, it's a lure that NO MAN CAN RESIST! I suggest mastering it in your mirror at home before you head out to the escalator at the mall--this is POWERFUL MAGIC and not to be used on the faint of heart. Just be sure when they actually do approach your siren self that you act as if you have no idea what they're talking about and you're appalled at their bizarre delusion! ALL THE WORLD LOVES A REGAL BITCH!
Step Six:[click for mov] Kill with flair! This is the perfect opportunity for senseless dramatics, so don't be shy. In fact, call as much attention to yourself as possible while you do it--actually, call as much attention to yourself as possible while you do everything! Wear a quilted leather biker hat, sunglasses, one big triangular earring, a chrome bra, multiple noisy bracelets and belts, a plastic mini skirt, legwarmers, and spike heels. Constantly put on lipstick and toss your hair while speeding a convertible along the cliffs of Monte Carlo listening to the Pointer Sisters. Then shoot somebody!
Step Seven:[click for mov] Your big exit! Now that you're the woman everyone loves to hate, it's time to punish them once more and give the ultimate up-yours with the most dramatic exit of all: your final exit! Nothing brings down the house like blowing yourself up or a showy electrocution routine. You've lived a fast life and nobody is catching up with you, so now it's time to catch a bullet outta here and conquer the boundless realms of the supernatural, because you not only conquered earth, you did it with the heels stacked against you!