o ho! Yo ho! Its a pirate's life for me! and why they heck shouldn't it be?! Contrary to popular belief, I believe people really haven't changed too much over time. Really we are the same type of people we've always been since ancient times; we just come up with different ways to classify ourselves. You know how someone today (not me of course) might be considered a "regal bitch"? Well just follow the bloodline back Nefertiti, cuz way back when they were simply called a "total pharoah". Perspective is all it is, and in this modern day we're constantly looking for new words through which to describe our ever changing world.

So when it came to pirates, I had to think of a new word to encapsulate that over-the-top, over-accessorized and underappreciated seadog character. I christen thee the "FLASHBUCKLER"! This is not however to be confused with the "New Romantic". The difference is that the New Romatics are emotionless, in fact they ooze Animotion. They're simply dressed in reference to yesteryear's pirates, poets, or rakish highwaymen. The flashbuckler on the other hand isn't tied down by a specific type of dress but more to a specific ATTITUDE toward dressing. They are totally gender, color, and sexuality-free! The only qualifications are that you have a knack for saucey innuendo , a love of all things shiny, and feel comfortable in tight pants! And I for one would rather be called a "FLASHBUCKLER" then whatever titles have been unwelcomely thrown my way! Wouldn't you?

Those high seas dandies had all the fun and I want some too! Ya know, pirates aren't the only ones who just wanna have fun! Ask anyone! I too just happen to have a flair for the dramatic, a loud mouth and a penchant for flashy and exotic dressage. We pirates are the boldest, most brazen and sauciest of all personalities. The "FLASHBUCKLER" may be drunk on rum and high on life, but like our favorite "Carribean Queens" life isn't the only thing he's high on. He's high on his heels as well! Have you ever danced a jig on the bow of a ship in high heels? I have, and it's very hard! But it looks SO GOOD! Here's a toast to the sailors in style!

Ladies of today, and especially you Cybil Shepard in your white Rebok sneakers, like to complain about the woes of their high heels. And boo-hoo about how men could never understand. Well ladies, lest you forget, we did it before you... and we did it while steering a ship through hurricanes with a parrot on our shoulder... then went out, ran down cobblestone streets dripping with diamonds and pearls, took what we wanted, then set the city on fire! Paris may be burning but Puerto Vallarta is an INFERNO!

It's just that contrast that I feel makes the pirate so attractive to us today. The "FLASHBUCKLER" personality has been the same for hundreds of years. We are a rare, vain, and dangerous breed. Yet somehow people still love us. It's that clash between daring attraction and dangerous repulsion that causes our continued fascination, and who pulls it off better then the "pirate type"? I mean pirates were horrible people! Rapists, thieves, and murders each and every one! But I like to imagine they were more like DAVID LEE ROTH.

Somehow pirates went down in history as fun-loving, sexy tramps who scoured the seven seas with an indesputable joie de vivre and a zest for accessories! Mix and match fist-sized rubies with oversized belts, a pet monkey in a velvet vest, and prosthetic limbs! It all goes! The rule for this season is there ARE no rules! You may call it haute couture, but to us flashbucklers it's simply called "clothes".

The "pirate personality" of today continues to dress this way, their entire way of dressing relies on the undying affection for accessories and a dagger-sharp mind. Where the pirate of yesterday may have worn his hair up in a red sash, featured a gold hoop earring, carried a knife, and looked great in tight pants. The pirate of today wears his hair up in a red sash, features a gold hoop earring, carries a knife, and looks great tight pants! They don't call it pirate booty for nothin'! Considering this, it comes as no surprise that pirates pretty much settled what we people of modern times now call Puerto Rico!

Not all pirate types look the same though! Our modern flashbuckler dons many guises, but they all combine a sassy and sexy attitude with a love of accessories. It could be your grandma Rose, your gay brother, or even Rue Maclanahan! Whoever they are, they always manage to bring excitement to your dreary landlubbin' life. So take the time to find that personal "FLASHBUCKLER" in your life, and PRAISE THEM! More then just bangles, baubles, and beads they bring you tales of exotica, lust from uncharted territories. And if you're lucky a ship full of seamen! I think I see a few "FLASHBUCKLERS" taking a cigarette break from class on my stoop right now. I better go and introduce myself! Bon Voyage, sea dogs!