re you like me? Do you have a lot of enemies? Not like serious mortal enemies, but you know.. general everyday villains. Neighborhood villains! Like the lady who was rude to you at the post office for no good reason, or the kids who just threw snowballs at you on the street? The dude who lied to you about not having a boyfriend already? Yes? I knew it!

Well my little imps, gather round. It's payback time! I'm here to let you in on your new secret weapon against your evil enemies. I learned it from tv and movies. And it goes by a specially made-up name we call "GooMiliation". Gentlemen, let the goomiliating begin.

First of all, you may be asking yourself "What is this Goomiliation I keep hearing about?" Can you guess? Yes, it IS a mix of Goo and Humiliation. Two great tastes that go great together. Nothing says "You suck" better than a good ol' bucket of molasses at the most inopportune moment! And while the element of surprise is key, revenge truly is a dish best served cold AND gooey!


Example 1:
Private Benjamin [click for mov]
If you have not seen this movie, please do! It's the original Troop Beverly Hills, except it has Goldie Hawn instead of Shelley Long. In it, Judy Benjamin (Goldie) suffers nonstop degradation and physical abuse from an evil masterminding bitch named Captain Lewis played by a tight-lipped, aviator-sunglassed, whip-wielding Eileen Brennan. Even after Judy successfully captures the blue team by using low-fi traps and feminine wiles the likes of which the Army has never seen, she gets PUNISHED by her alcoholic commanding officer! NOT fair! The solution? Simply raid her bungalow, unscrew the shower head and fill it with RIT brand fabric dye! Then, take a rest and rub your palms together while you wait for the blood-curdling scream. Nothing is more satisfying than seeing a nude Eileen Brennan luxuriating in a steaming hot shower of blue fabric dye, only to suddenly notice her hands and face are bluer than Violet Beaureguard and emit a screech more mindsplitting than a pinched balloon. Try it at home!

Example 2:
Patty from Elvira [click for mov]
Even though Patty is technically the enemy of the first half of the Elvira movie, she manages to pull off a shocking goomiliation scene midway through this epic film. The basic, and I mean BASIC, story is that Patty is jealous of Elvira's boobs and sets out to destroy her the best way she knows how. Goomiliate her! So at Elvira's "big opening" at the movie theater, Patty puts her plan into action. As Elvira puts on her black legwarmers and leotard to reenact the strip club scene of Flashdance, Patty's all ready in the rafters. Elvira throws herself back into the chair, stiff as a board, neck arched, pulls the tasselled cord, only to release a load of foul sticky TAR! Then come the FEATHERS, sprinkled from a ripped pillowcase by none other than PATTY! And that's what Elvira screams too. "PATTTTYYYY!!!" Score extra points if your enemy screams your name after a successful goomiliation.

Example 3:
The Vicky Trap [click for mov]
So your dad's about to marry a conniving golddigging blonde bombshell and you need to stop her? Take it from the lovable twins of Disney's Parent Trap, and take matters into your own hands. All you need to do is arrange a weekend backpacking trip into the Sierra Nevada, and don't forget to bring along a pocketful of tree lizards, string, and lots and lots of HONEY! While Vicky lies asleep in her tent, curlers and cold creme masque on, quietly run the string back and forth through the tent creating a gigantic cat's cradle over your victim. THEN, comes the honey. Go ahead, pour jars and jars of honey over Vicky's entire body. She wont wake up! The trap is set. Now, get back into your tent and rest your angelic little heads, and let the baby bear cubs which ravage the woods looking for people covered in honey while the sleep in tents to do the rest of the dirtywork for you!

But best of all, the magic doesnt have to stop at the screen. Got an extra bucket of pig's blood layin' around? Maple trees gave off too much syrup this year? Painters left half a gallon of primer in the hallway? You know what to do! All it takes is a cracked door and an enemy! Good luck!